Anger Management
"" Home Anger Management Anger Self Test Press and News Coverage About Marty Recources Contact ""

Coping with Anger

by Marty Brenner

Couple screamingWe are born with emotions to help us cope with the world but we often have the most trouble coping with our emotions. Humans are born with all sorts of feelings to guide them through life, from anger to happiness and everywhere in between. You choose a spouse based on your love for that person, or you give to a charity because you feel empathy for a cause. Nature provided humans with protective emotions, like fear and anger. Fear and anger are the two emotional components of the fight-or-flight response- fear makes you run from threats while anger gives you the strength to stand and fight. While all humans come equipped with emotions, we are not all well-equipped to cope with some of these emotions, especially strong emotions like anger.

The emotion of anger is unavoidable, instilled into each and every human. Anger gives you the emotional and physical power to overcome potentially life-threatening situations. Anger allowed prehistoric man to summon the courage and strength to kill large, ferocious prey and to ward off invaders. Modern man has developed better tools for gathering food and protecting his home but he hasn’t necessarily gotten any better at coping with the natural, residual emotion of anger. Feelings of rage come to the surface during the most stressful modern events, like traffic jams, crowded shopping malls and difficult work settings. You still use anger to protect yourself but from very different enemies than nature intended. Modern man needs to use new methods to deal with this ancient emotion.
You learned to cope with anger largely by watching how your parents dealt with it. You observed your parents’ reaction to unreasonable bosses, stressful marriages, bad financial situations, congested urban life, addictions and fatigue. As an adult, you probably cope with your stress and anger in much the same way as your parents did. The angry acorn does not fall far from the frustrated tree, so to speak.

Your parents either endorsed free expression of all your emotions, including anger, or you were taught to cope with some or all of your feelings by suppressing them. Some societal and family units frown on the expression of negative emotions, especially anger. Repression becomes almost genetic, passed from generation to generation. You learn how to repress or express your feelings from your parents and you pass these coping mechanisms, or the lack of them, to your children.

There are several aspects to coping with anger, and you must grab control of each facet of the emotion to truly manage it. To master anger, you must first properly express your feelings and establish clear boundaries. You’ll need to release your anger so that it does not accumulate and snowball into rage. A proper expression of anger helps you resolve those conflicts initiated by or are the result of anger. Learn to calm yourself enough to think your way out of the emotional storm to eventually find yourself in a reasonable state of mind. Finally, effective coping with anger means you have increased your anger awareness to the point that you know what makes you angry and have learned how to avoid those circumstances. Coping with anger means you have learned to manage your angry emotions and use them to your advantage.

Why Marty?

Marty has been providing guidance and counseling for the last 20 years to a wide and diverse range of people.

Individuals challenged with various addictions including but not limited to – substance abuse, alcohol, and anger.

Marty is a certified chemical dependency counselor and anger management facilitator.

Affectionately known as “Marty”, he has positively influenced and helped reshape the lives of many people in recovery, ranging from ex-cons to his high profile clients in the Delray Beach, Florida.

Marty is an excellent resource with in-depth knowledge of all of the current trends in the substance abuse and mental health treatment fields, as well as individual options for successful recovery outcomes.

Today, residential facilities simply aren’t an option for many clients with busy work schedules and travel conflicts, which is why Marty tailors programs to meet the needs of these clients, whether it be in his office or a location of their choosing.

His approach is casual and non-threatening. Marty is very kind and caring.

As you know, it is difficult to convince clients that anger management or substance abuse treatment is critical. Career commitments, privacy, reputation and other concerns may conflict in making treatment the priority it should be.

It is Marty’s primary goal to help people rebuild lives using tried and true techniques.

More Reading

Share

Angry Parents

by Marty Brenner

anger_management_familyThere are all sorts of people in this world, including happy folks, depressed souls and angry jerks. Bearing children does not necessarily change who these people are – they simply become happy parents, depressed moms or jerk dads. When you are born, you are not given a choice as to who your parents would be. You may have been lucky enough to have been born into a happy, well-adjusted family or unfortunate enough to find yourself the child of an angry parent. Parents provide the basic necessities in life, like a home and food, but parents may also leave a legacy of anger.

Children have a deep need to please their parents and most children will go to great lengths to avoid making their parents angry. This goes for young children as well as adult children – even as grownups, we are wired to gain the approval of our parents. We learn to change our behavior according to our parent’s reaction, always trying to move our parents’ emotions from a negative, angry space to a more positive, loving one. The child of the angry parent will never be able to change his behavior enough to please his mother or father because a chronically angry person is rarely pleased.

Parents sometimes engage in unhealthy, angry relationships with one another. A mother and father can wage war within a bad marriage or after a messy divorce, and this parental anger does not go unnoticed by the child. A child picks up very strong behavioral cues from the way his parents deal with one another, learning what is okay and what is unacceptable when you are angry with someone you love. If a boy sees his father strike his mother after a bad day at work, the boy may think it is okay to hit people when you are angry with them.

Angry parents may draw their children into the fray, requiring the children to pick sides. A parent may even go so far as to “brainwash” a child against the other parent, making the child believe the other parent is bad or evil in some way. In this way, one parent tries to hurt the other by revoking the natural love between the child and both his parents.

An angry parent sets the example of how the child should deal with stress. Children will often mimic their parents’ reaction to external stimulation, like spanking a barking puppy or yelling at the neighbor for burning leaves. A mother may inadvertently teach her infant son to someday scream obscenities at other drivers, or show her toddler daughter how to belittle her future husband.

Parents may inadvertently teach a child to suppress unpleasant emotions, like anger, instead of giving the child a safe environment to express and vent her feelings. Some cultures and family units frown on the expression of negative emotions, so the parent will repress his feelings of anger instead of dealing with them in an assertive, effective way. Parents have a lot to be angry about these days but it is up to each parent to teach their children how to deal with these emotions in a healthy way.

Why Marty?

Marty has been providing guidance and counseling for the last 20 years to a wide and diverse range of people.

Individuals challenged with various addictions including but not limited to – substance abuse, alcohol, and anger.

Marty is a certified chemical dependency counselor and anger management facilitator.

Affectionately known as “Marty”, he has positively influenced and helped reshape the lives of many people in recovery, ranging from ex-cons to his high profile clients in the Delray Beach, Florida.

Marty is an excellent resource with in-depth knowledge of all of the current trends in the substance abuse and mental health treatment fields, as well as individual options for successful recovery outcomes.

Today, residential facilities simply aren’t an option for many clients with busy work schedules and travel conflicts, which is why Marty tailors programs to meet the needs of these clients, whether it be in his office or a location of their choosing.

His approach is casual and non-threatening. Marty is very kind and caring.

As you know, it is difficult to convince clients that anger management or substance abuse treatment is critical. Career commitments, privacy, reputation and other concerns may conflict in making treatment the priority it should be.

It is Marty’s primary goal to help people rebuild lives using tried and true techniques.

More Reading

Share

Anger and Assertive Communication

by Marty Brenner

An angry outburst is a form of communication. The way you behave when you are angry tells your adversary that you do not like what he is doing and you are willing to fight him over it. Assertive communication is direct and respectful. Assertive communication conveys your anger and allows you to set clear boundaries around your personal space, especially in the intimacy of your own home.

Anger Communication

Anger gives you the ability to tell your adversary that his actions are not acceptable, and communicate your feelings in such a way that your foe will think twice before messing with you again. Anger sends a clear message that you feel passionately about something and that you expect others to act accordingly. For example, you might view a messy house as unhealthy and uncomfortable so you spend hours scrubbing and sweeping. You begin to feel angry when others within the family unit do not exhibit the same passion for cleanliness as they track mud on the carpet or leave dirty dishes in the sink. Your family’s disregard for your feelings endangers your sense of comfort and well-being and, as a result, you feel angry.

Nature intended anger to be an explosive and temporary reaction to a dangerous situation, not stuffed down into your subconscious. The most important element of anger is in the expression of the emotion, or how you convey your thoughts and feelings. Assertive communication moves feelings from the interior of your personal thoughts to the exterior world in such a way that your emotions impact your world in a positive way.

In our example of the dirty house, you would assertively communicate that you don’t feel comfortable in an unclean home and that you expect all family members to participate in housework. If you have expressed your anger properly, your loved ones will understand that cleanliness is important to you and they will try harder to pick up after themselves. Conversely, if you have only hurled insults or called your family members names without sharing your fears of a dirty house, you have not provided your family the tools they need to effect the change you desire.

You sometimes need anger to make other people listen to you and respect those things you feel strongly about. Mild mannered people who communicate their thoughts and feelings in passive, soft tones are often bulldozed by assertive people or misunderstood by inattentive ones. Assertive communication is direct, neither passive nor aggressive, and focuses on the specific problem at hand. Speaking in a loud, authoritative voice commands the attention and respect of others. Assertive communications helps your family recognize what is important to you and how they can participate in your happiness.

But this expression of anger is only effective when you communicate your needs in a clear, concise manner that conveys exactly what has made you angry and how you expect the other party to behave. Left unexpressed or poorly communicated, anger snowballs with other emotions, like frustration, resentment and even hate towards family members.

Why Marty?

Marty has been providing guidance and counseling for the last 20 years to a wide and diverse range of people.

Individuals challenged with various addictions including but not limited to – substance abuse, alcohol, and anger.

Marty is a certified chemical dependency counselor and anger management facilitator.

Affectionately known as “Marty”, he has positively influenced and helped reshape the lives of many people in recovery, ranging from ex-cons to his high profile clients in the Delray Beach, Florida.

Marty is an excellent resource with in-depth knowledge of all of the current trends in the substance abuse and mental health treatment fields, as well as individual options for successful recovery outcomes.

Today, residential facilities simply aren’t an option for many clients with busy work schedules and travel conflicts, which is why Marty tailors programs to meet the needs of these clients, whether it be in his office or a location of their choosing.

His approach is casual and non-threatening. Marty is very kind and caring.

As you know, it is difficult to convince clients that anger management or substance abuse treatment is critical. Career commitments, privacy, reputation and other concerns may conflict in making treatment the priority it should be.

It is Marty’s primary goal to help people rebuild lives using tried and true techniques.

More Reading

Share

Family and Anger

by Marty Brenner

Parents swear, and children sufferYou spent your early childhoods learning to gain control over your body and emotions so you could function comfortably within your family. You learned what made your parents angry and your family observed what seemed to throw you into a tantrum. You learned a lot about controlling your anger during your “terrible twos” during which you experimented with various behaviors to see what sort of reaction your family would have. It is during these early formative years that you begin associating emotion with behavior. You learned that good behavior earned your parents’ love and that poor behavior made them angry. Depending on the general environment and structure of your family unit, your parents may have taught you how to properly express and defuse your anger, or you may have been conditioned to deal with your emotions improperly.

Emotions don’t have hard edges and are not completely separate from one another, especially when it comes to the emotional dynamics within a family unit. Some emotions, like sadness and fear, are very similar and a person may feel these two emotions simultaneously. The connection between dissimilar emotions, like love and anger, are not quite so obvious but these two emotions are actually similar, especially when targeted towards a family member. Anger and love are passionate emotions, reserved only for the most important people in our lives. In fact, we often become the angriest at the people we love the most.

Humans are born with a deeply imbedded need for perfect and unconditional love. We are programmed to believe our families should love us no matter what happens. Unfortunately, all family members are imperfect humans and, as such, are incapable of giving unconditional and perfect love. When you don’t receive the familial love you think you deserve, your feelings get hurt. Anger is a protective emotion that you use to defend yourself from harmful situations, like having hurt feelings. Your innate need for perfect love leads to unavoidable disappointment and resentful, angry feelings for your family.
Rigid or dysfunctional family structures can reinforce improper expression of anger.

For example, a child who witnesses his father consistently exploding with rage against homosexuality may exhibit anger towards gays later in life. Alternatively, the child may develop feelings of hurt anger towards his father as he enters puberty and realizes he has homosexual desires that he knows will infuriate his parent. One family member’s inability to properly manage or express anger can even prevent other people from dealing with their own anger in a healthy way. A child is less likely to express interest or curiosity about a subject that elicits obvious anger. The child ends up feeling hurt and oppressed, emotions that often lead to unresolved, unspoken and lifelong anger at the family.

Some families view anger as a negative emotion, and that any expression of anger is a sign of weakness or lack of respect. A child may face punishment for expressing his anger and begin to develop unhealthy patterns in the way he deals with his emotions towards his family. The child learns to suppress his anger or vent his frustrations in inappropriate ways in his effort to please his parents and fit comfortably within the family unit.

Why Marty?

Marty has been providing guidance and counseling for the last 20 years to a wide and diverse range of people.

Individuals challenged with various addictions including but not limited to – substance abuse, alcohol, and anger.

Marty is a certified chemical dependency counselor and anger management facilitator.

Affectionately known as “Marty”, he has positively influenced and helped reshape the lives of many people in recovery, ranging from ex-cons to his high profile clients in the Delray Beach, Florida.

Marty is an excellent resource with in-depth knowledge of all of the current trends in the substance abuse and mental health treatment fields, as well as individual options for successful recovery outcomes.

Today, residential facilities simply aren’t an option for many clients with busy work schedules and travel conflicts, which is why Marty tailors programs to meet the needs of these clients, whether it be in his office or a location of their choosing.

His approach is casual and non-threatening. Marty is very kind and caring.

As you know, it is difficult to convince clients that anger management or substance abuse treatment is critical. Career commitments, privacy, reputation and other concerns may conflict in making treatment the priority it should be.

It is Marty’s primary goal to help people rebuild lives using tried and true techniques.

More Reading

Share

What Happened to Lindsay’s Face?

Share
talk to marty